10:59 p.m. - Monday, May. 30, 2016
Procrastination is like a disease
I waste so much time. I have had three months off work and what have I done? I haven't even improved my Spanish. I hate myself for procrastinating so much but the devil inside really gets a kick out of it. I am still waiting for an epiphany. The answer, for it to suddenly become clear to me as to what I should be doing. I have my talents but I don't know how to make a living from them. Even if I did figure it out would I even have the courage to try? I am a prisoner of my own self consciousness and I fear it is too late to change my personality. All I want is a career that grows with my skills and also I want my own home. Seems like that is a lot to ask for. It's like an impossible dream for so many people. I don't think those that have it, even one of those things realises how desperately hopeless it feels for those on the outside looking in. If I want to feel really sorry myself (and this is the place to indulge) I think I should at least have the career. I don't have the child. What if I end up with nothing? Just floating around trying to make the most out of each situation. I feel like I shouldn't be here. I keep seeing myself in my parallel happier life and it's as if I miss it. I want to go home but I don't know where that is. Something I haven't had for a long time, I hate the feeling of being in the wrong place. I think I put myself into situations not because I really want to but because I feel like I have to. Therefore I am not really present. I am just going through the motions. I have been going through the motions for most of my thirties I reckon. Fed up with it. On the flipside my life ain't bad. I have my health which is my main priority. I think that is why I actively avoid stress, making me far too laid back to be driven to succeed in anything. I haven't lost any close friends to suicide or any other kind of early death. My dear friend from the North of England has lost many friends. It's shocking... My parents are still around. I like my own company. Other people seem to think I am good company. I am attractive. I am talented (just not at Spanish). I think it all boils down to knowing I have a fuckload of potential but afraid it won't be realised and feeling like it's my own fault for being a procrastinator. It's just another form of self sabotage. I am so boring! I need something to happen so I can write about it. Leaving the house would be a start.
