3:37 p.m. - Saturday, May. 28, 2016
Shit I really am 38
I had a horrible dream last night, well this morning as we had a party last night and I am still in bed listening to the rain... The dream itself wasn't horrible it was the waking up. I had the opposite feeling to when you awake from a bad dream and feel a sense of relief. I dreamt that I believed my age to be 38 and my friend laughed and told me I was only 37. I couldn't believe it and was very happy to be just a year younger. When I remembered this just now I thought "oh I'm 37! Oh no, that was a dream, shit I really am 38." I think I hadn't completely accepted this because I look so young (many kind people say I look 10 years younger) and I do feel very young, arrested development might be a factor. There is something about being 38 as a woman. It's a time to start thinking seriously about the direction your life is going, if it feels like it is going nowhere. I would love to be 37 again. It's only a year younger but what a difference a year makes. I would have an extra year to try and meet someone and get pregnant and I feel like the last year was a bit of a fuck up. I didn't get anywhere. Perhaps I am getting somewhere emotionally though. I am certainly thinking more deeply about things.
The party we threw was for an ex tenant of the house as he is getting married last week. It wasn't quite a stag do though as his fiancee came too which was fantastic because she spoke fluent English (she is half American half Spanish) and we hit it off immediately. Within 5 minutes I was telling her about my troubled love life and she kept grabbing my arm with enthusiasm as she spoke. She asked me if I was going out and meeting people and I said no, I don't really want to.
Now I think about it, maybe I should be more proactive and try and meet someone. I have spent my adult life not looking and had no trouble but currently I am a situation where I am meeting no one, not even friends and at my age I do think I should be taking more control of my life and being more positive about meeting someone. If I do want to have a family of my own then I don't have much time left. Now is the time to get pregnant.
I think I might be having a mildly manic episode where I think I am capable of anything, even being a single mother. The other day I decided I would be really good at writing screenplays. I have no idea where that came from. So I fantasise about my amazing creative abilities in many areas but never actually finish anything. It follows that I think I would be an amazing Mum. I must want a kid because I can picture it and I realise that I am really strong and can cope with anything without getting flustered. It feels like I have been preparing myself for this huge task all my life and if it doesn't happen then what is it all for? That feeling of wanting to pass on knowledge and skills, the continuation of a story, DNA... I think I get it now. However hard it may be and however much sacrifice there is I am very afraid of the sad emptiness that is the alternative. When I feel like this I feel so sure but then another day I think I am better off childless, I can devote my time to more people. Because adults need love too and there are a lot of lonely people out there. I can use my nurturing side for for helping others. Having kids makes you more selfish for the needs of your kids over the needs of anyone else. Totally understandable but it's such a family focused world (obviously) my rebellious side doesn't want to do what's expected, but maybe that's what I really want. To some extent conform.
Before I went to bed this morning I was taking some selfies in the mirror because I was struck by how good I looked. Really, I am so vain. Also, I wanted to test the theory that we find photos of ourselves unattractive because we are used to seeing the reverse in the mirror, so I was flipping the photos to see if I looked more like my reflection. It does kind of work but my face is fairly symetrical anyway so it doesn't make a huge difference. I have been looking pretty terrible for a while, which was not helping with my depressive state (am I finally losing my looks?) and my haircut seemed to be growing out badly and even my parting has gone all random and my face looked drawn. I hadn't made any effort for a few weeks. I put rollers in my hair and did my makeup a little bit stronger than usual and it is amazing what a difference it makes. I now know that I have to blow dry or roller my hair a certain way so it sits away from my face. If I don't then it drags my face down. This blow dried style really accentuates my cheekbones and I look like an Italian film star from the 60's. I like to think. It's quite an extreme effect unless I have just simply lost weight. The bathroom light is very flattering as it throws light down and casts extreme shadows under the cheekbones. These photos were very striking and I felt like for the first time I was looking at another woman. This is what a 38 year old woman looks like, no signs of ageing, just a certain look. Definitely a woman not a girl. A hardness maybe... the weight loss has taken off the roundness that made me look more like a girl but it's also in the eyes. I look quite stern and perhaps no longer innocent. It actually disturbed me how joyless and dead my eyes looked. I looked beautiful but brittle. I hope that's just because it was 4am and I was drunk. Haha.
I also dreamt that I was very skinny but I wasn't sure if it was dangerously skinny. My ribs were sticking out but weirdly, outwards. I remember thinking I was going to google how skinny is too skinny?
