12:58 a.m. - Sunday, May. 22, 2016
To baby or not to baby
So today I am having a panic over the fact that I am 38, with no imminent chance of getting pregnant. Only last week I was reading about parents who regretted having kids and I felt relieved as it reinforced my belief that I don't want one. Then tonight whilst Youtubing I came across this podcast of this woman calling in to talk about being 41 and single after having slept around a lot and not ever having had a long term relationship. She sounded pretty broken and It shook me up a bit. So I keep going from thinking I don't want one and almost smug at how smart I am to be able to think it through rationally to feeling like I want one because what else am I going to do for the next 40 years? The same shit? I think I tell myself I don't want one because I don't see it happening and I need to be mentally strong to deal with that. I think it can really fuck women up. However, I've noticed people calling me a crazy cat lady and it is starting to bother me! I need to listen to my instincts on this. It's very confusing though. The non negotiation on my shit salary and the fact that this project has been delayed by a year means I have potentially wasted a year of my life at a very crucial time and I need to be somewhere where I am meeting people, not living in isolation in a foreign country. Maybe that's why I am freaking out. I am not in a strong position financially, I am stuck in a junior role at 38 (!) and still trying to climb up in a career I don't really have an interest in. I just don't know what else to do. So even if I wanted to have a kid now it would be a nightmare because I am so poor. I wasted my 30's. Absolutely. I can't remember much good from them. Just trying to pay this debt off and after 7 years I have only paid off £2000. What the hell am I doing wrong? I must really hate myself or something. Thing is, all this would be fine if I was a man. I fucked myself going into this industry. The reason why it is male dominated is because most women aren't stupid enough to get fucked over and work unpaid overtime for beer and pizza on a Friday. Maybe. Why did I go into a world of nerds? Jesus, if only I hadn't have done that course. Then again, I might be doing an even worse job now.
But back to the kid dilemma, the world really is in a mess but that's not a reason to not have them... We need more intelligent civilised beings out there but if things do get really bad and God knows what society will be like within a decade, then at least I can feel some relief that I didn't bring a kid into it. My problem is I am too thoughtful and I think myself out of doing anything!
I actually do picture myself as a Mum, and not too bad at it. I can also see me as a childless bitter old woman too. Fuck I hate being me right now. Isn't that just so awful? My problem is I am always caught between my thoughts and feelings so I end up doing nothing and feeling unsatisfied. The people that just get on with it seem to be doing OK. I don't want to be trapped though, what if I had a kid and hated being a Mum? Or my relationship broke down and I was a single Mum? What if the child was born with a defect? If I'm not sure I shouldn't have one should I? Not that it's likely to happen in my current situation but if I do decide I want one then my situation may change. Manifest it. Fuck I'd be ecstatic to just find a 'spouse' soon. I can't be alone forever. I'm a great cook and I am not going to be cooking for one for the rest of my life. No fucking way.
