6:25 p.m. - Friday, May. 20, 2016
Cancer of the soul
Cancer of the soul. That's what it feels like. Like I am going ro vomit sand with the dry heaving caused by the waves of deep sadness and fear. Where does it come from? Why did I suddenly start feeling like this again? I think it was Tuesday, maybe the anxiety of dealing with work triggered it along with my time of the month. Maybe I'm not depressed. Maybe it's just PMT. usually I feel OK, a bit weepy but not really really sad. Spending time with the boy is not so good. I remember the first time we hugged and it felt amazing. I think for both of us because we needed it so badly not having any physical interaction with anyone for a long time. When I hadn't seen him for a few weeks I really missed cuddles and I thought I would die. My body was crying out for a hug and even though I felt I couldn't voice it, one day I just had to say "i need a hug" via whatsapp and he said he would come and give me one the next day. Now it barely happens and when it does I feel numb because there doesn't seem to be any feeling in it. My self image is completely screwed up and turned upside down because I don't feel like anyone sees me and my worth. I feel ugly and old. When somebody really loves you for who you are you really do shine. It takes years off you. Because you feel so alive and big, important to someone. You know you exist, you can feel it. Maybe this is karma, the universe is giving me a huge slap in the face right now. Or am I slapping myself? I really hope all this is worth it and I come out of this exile stronger and more aware of who I am and what I want. Because I am running out of time. I need to be making art with this. I want to connect with others in a meaningful way, just one person would be enough. That is the gift that depression gives you, compassion for others and understanding. It has made me wiser and I value the ability to empathise with others. If I can make someone else feel less alone in their suffering then I can feel like I contributed something. But I am too scared to attempt to make anything. I think I will just cry tonight until I feel as sad as I possibly can and then hopefully I will get another burst of energy afterwards. The only hope I have is that a corner will be turned and I will be really happy again, it is usually the way it goes, partly relief that I feel myself again.
I guess I am spending way too much time alone, rattling around this house all day, llike a crazy cat lady. The house was actually smelling of cats piss the other day. I saw Render spraying outside so maybe he's doing it inside as well. I can't be too angry with him as he's the only thing keeping me sane and warming my heart right now. My life is just so weird now. I feel like I just threw everything I built up in London away. All those years of feeling like a Londoner. That place was so wrapped up in my identity and now I live far away from my loved ones and have no one to really talk to. It's not healthy and i feel like nothing can change while I am here. I never meet anyone, I'm not even interested. So it feels like I am watching myself fade away, but it's so intense. I am with myself alone every day watching my thoughts and feelings. Internalizing everything, waiting for an epiphany. Instead I just start to hate myself. What I really crave is love but how will I find it stuck here, cutting myself off? At least in London I always had a sense that anything could happen any day. You could meet someone amazing who would make you laugh and change the course of your life and if that didn't work out at least you had hope of meeting someone new eventually. I don't have that here. I know I ahould make more of an effort but I am tired. Maybe I was too old to move to a foreign country, but now I've done it I don't know how to return. Maybe I made a huge mistake, I didn't realise what a headfuck this would be. I keep having very emotional dreams featuring people I know. Very unusual, psychologically disturbing, as if a message from my subconscious is being relayed. I can't figure it out though. I just wake up feeling uneasy.
