9:24 p.m. - Wednesday, May. 18, 2016
lechuza
Feeling lonely today. Tired of this up and down. Last week I felt so amazing and now I've lost all that enthusiasm. Have only done half an hour of yoga in three days. I just can't sustain anything. I think I have hayfever and time of the month and I am hungry because I have 30 euros to live on a week for the next 6 weeks. Great. I am going to have a really fun summer. Having one of those "what the hell am I doing here?" days. Also fears that I wont ever be happy. I am starting to miss people, most are far away, some are dead (Prince). I miss having a funny conversation, really talking and engaging with someone. The person I spend most time with barely even looks at me let alone talks to me. It's not great for my self identity. Trouble is I like being alone, it's easier except for those times you feel down or ill you remember why you need people. Just someone to do something nice for you. Or just give you a hug. Cook you dinner. I'm tired of doing everything alone.
I want to come back to London some day but I don't know where I will end up. I can't afford it. I can't bear the thought of sharing with lots of people. I feel like crap because I can't make any money, my career feels like it is in slow motion and I don't really know what I really want to do. I just want to be good at something. I am starting to envy people much younger than me. There is a girl in my Spanish class who is young enough to be my daughter and I just think, God you have so much time to figure it all out. I wasted all those years being a hedonist. Ah well, no regrets...
... Just saw Pedro, we had a smoke and a chat about the creepy Barn Owls that sometimes sit in the tree out the front of the house. I'm so glad he warned me, if I saw one of those staring down at me I would shit myself. We could hear one screeching a couple of houses back.
I feel a bit better, it's good to talk to someone and get out of your head for a while. I think I am spending too much time alone, but maybe it's not a bad thing. Maybe I needed to really face myself and get used to myself and deal with some deep seated issues. Maybe going through these intense periods of directionless unemployment are the only way I can deal with working - I have to get to a point where I feel like I am about to go mad and I am just so desperate to get a routine and be part of the rat race and comply just so I can escape myself. To be so busy I am just a vessel for the product. Then I soon adapt and get bored and fed up with the whole routine and having to comply to their stupid rules and I just have to stop myself from handing my notice in. I am trapped but maybe feeling trapped is preferable to losing my mind. But what if I didn't lose my mind and I broke through to a more authentic, happier me? It's too scary to try but maybe I won't have a choice one day. That job offer won't come in time.
