10:49 p.m. - Wednesday, Nov. 22, 2017
Busy laughing and seeing angels
I have two days off work for this funeral. The last two days have been exhausting, 13 hour days... but I am loving it because I am having such a laugh with my two desk mates. Occassionally you do get lucky and sit with witty clever people but it’s not the norm. Unfortunately when I return on Monday my right hand Kiwi girl will be gone and maybe the English guy on my left too. They want to extend his contract but he has another job lined up. I really hope he stays, he is so lovely and fucking hilarious. Married with children and I don’t fancy him anyway but I could do with meeting a man that makes me laugh so much. Really gonna miss those two. It’s been good to know I still have a sense of humour. It really only comes out if I have good sparring partners though.
I have been so busy I don’t think I have accepted Dan is dead. It is good to be occupied every minute of the day.
I wonder how I will feel at the funeral. I think I will be fine but then it’s when I see other people upset that I get really sad and tearful. Dan’s death is a strange one. I think it’s less upsetting because he seemed to always be drawn to it and not scared by it. I feel like he wasn’t supposed to live long and he had to move on elsewhere. Almost mythical vibe about him. I have so many memories too and he left a lot of music behind. He does live on in that.
On Saturday night I had a sweet beautiful moment alone in the kitchen here. Because my landlady was away for the weekend I made the most of it by having a good cry after I posted the details of Dan’s send off on Facebook. I hadn’t felt him close for a few days and wanted to connect with him somehow. I asked him for a sign, like knocking something off the wall or shutting the door. Lol. I got quite dramatic and tried to channel him and amid my crying fit I looked up and saw an angel! It was partially hidden from my sight by a cupboard and I stood up to check it really was there and sure enough a little cherub sculpture playing the harp with the same wavy long hair as Dan’s was hovering above the door. It was the first time I had seen it in the whole month I had been there and of course that is a sign! So I took a photo of it and have made it my wallpaper on my phone, so now I have Dan’s angel with me all the time.
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