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9:27 p.m. - Wednesday, May. 23, 2018
post holiday
Finally had the holiday with Daniel. Have mixed feelings about it. i.e. I'm confused. With so much build up it was never going to live up to my expectations. It was far from romantic but I suppose we were not at a stage with each other where we were comfortable enough with each other to be romantic. No one wants to be the one to display their true feelings and be left vulnerable and neither of us know what our feelings are because we don't know each other well enough. So it made for an odd vibe. Not that relaxed. He seemed distracted and aloof. He was on his phone a lot. It was like being on holiday with a teenage boy. Playing misogynistic rap music in the car wasn't very suitable for the stunning scenery. He also gobs in the street and was walking with this macho swagger I hadn't noticed before. So I was a bit taken aback and felt like an idiot for expecting him to be different. He's 25 ffs.
The driving was a bit stressful with me navigating. He wouldn't follow my instructions and then blamed me when he took a wrong turn. As soon as we made the first journey after picking up the car I felt tense and my stomach felt funny. I knew this wasn't going to be the lovely trip I had been waiting for. He was moody and contrary and made me feel like he didn't want to be there with me. I got quite tearful one day and desperately tried to hide my tears in the car. I thought I didn't really like him even. He said the last thing he wanted to do was upset me.

He didn't show me any affection in public and barely paid me any attention but in private in our room he was like a different person. Really sweet and loving and the sex was great. After a few days I asked why he was pushing me away and he explained that he didn't like public displays of affection. I felt better for the explanation. He seems to be very sensitive but I think he tries to hide it and is preoccupied with this macho persona. He's a boy who wants to be a man but his behaviour is quite immature.
I was thinking that I probably would never see him again and at the airport we would agree that it hadn't worked out and say goodbye and good luck. However, after we arrived in Cagliari and got rid of the rental car he was visibly more relaxed. I was wishing we had taken the train instead, especially after he put his arm around me and kissed my head on the train bound for the centre.

We had a nicer time in Cagliari and were just starting to have real conversations rather than small talk. I think if we had had another 4 days together it would have been great.
I even started to get tearful for the reason of having to say goodbye to him. Maybe I'm just sentimental and those tears were partly acknowledgement that he wasn't the one and this would be the last time I would have amazing sex with a really gorgeous guy. Because he is really hot and I doubt I will ever get my hands on anyone like him again. Also I hate goodbyes. He saw I was crying and was really sweet and asked what was wrong and said that he wanted to cry too.
Even after everything I still like him and I don't even know why. I must be blinded by his youth and good looks. Or maybe I just want to like him. I think he does really like me. He said some strange things like "I really hope you meet someone who cares about you as much as I do" and "Don't worry about your age, modern science means you can have kids into your late 40's, promise me you won't let your age stop you, you'd make an amazing mother! You should freeze your eggs!"

He also said he wants 6 kids and an arranged marriage. Christ. Never met anyone like him. His family is such a huge part of his life and he calls his parents everyday, he can't understand that I only call mine once every fortnight. I am a bit envious of that closeness he has with them. It also scares me a bit, the intensity and the influence. It's a very patriarchal culture. I can't relate to it. I can barely relate to him. I am really intrigued by him though because he is so different. I know there is no future in it though. Not only because of the age gap (he said he couldn't process the fact that I'm 40, he see's me as a 19 year old) but also the distance and the fact that he is in London for another year. I have to finish it and move on. It's so hard though. He's the only man I have fancied in the last 4 years and before married man I didn't fancy anyone for about 10 years! It's actually really tragic he's not 5 years older or I'm not 5 years younger. It might be possible then. He'd be more mature or I'd be fertile for longer.

His strong ideas about his future are at least inspiring. I have been thinking about the egg freezing since I got back. I should do it in case I meet the one within the next few years. But it's a lot of money that I don't have. At my age I need to be looking for a younger man to try and get pregnant with as apparently it's much easier with a strapping young lad. We didn't use any contraception, just the withdrawal method and he asked me if I was on the pill. He assumed I was. When I said no he gave me a bit of a lecture about how if I got pregnant and kept it, it would ruin three lives. That was an awkward moment and I felt stupid for being so irresponsible. He said he would use condoms from that point onwards but he never did buy any. So I dunno what happened there.

But shit, I feel like a saddo not having my life in order. He's got so much ahead of him. A great career and a family. I'll just be a lonely old spinster losing my looks. Uff. Biology is so unfair.
At least I got my one sexy holiday and sexy photos. We look so good together. Damn we would have good looking children. Like I say it's pretty tragic. Gotta be practical and realistic though. He might come over in a month's time so if he acts like a twat then I will be fine with saying goodbye forever. I suspect he was acting out for some complex emotional issues, wanting to push me away. Since we got back we've been talking quite openly about the holiday and our experience, I've actually enjoyed the post holiday analysis more than the holiday! In hindsight it wasn't bad at all - it just didn't live up to my unrealistic expectations. I said that he didn't appear to be enjoying himself but he insists he enjoyed himself and said some sweet things he liked about me and our interaction. His moodiness was down to being tired not because I was annoying him and he said "You were sweeter to me than anyone has been and it was a weird feeling to me and my only regret is that i may have upset you a few times. Usually sweet people are a needy sweet or a very dependable sweet, whereas you were just a honest, pure sweet. It was very comforting"

Goddam it there's something about him...
Or do I just want a relationship and I can't be arsed with searching anymore?

I wish I knew myself better.

I told him that I didn't think we were compatible and he disagreed. He thinks it's not the obvious things that denote compatibility.
In some ways we might be fine together. I think we know how to deal with our incompatibilities which in itself is a form of compatibility. Knowing how fickle I am I need someone who isn't suffocating me and is a challenge. I really like that space and the whole no PDA thing is OK because I'm not crazy about it myself and it does build the sexual tension for when you are alone. The difference in his behaviour between public and private is quite hot actually.



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